I am Mother, I do not Sleep

I found myself chanting something in my mind in the wee hours of the morning as I swayed with a crying Wren. "I am Mother, I do not sleep, I am Mother, I do not sleep." When I became aware of my mantra, the hilarity almost woke me up cold. Almost. I wasn't even sure that I was awake or how I came to be in her room at 2:30am in the first place. I couldn't remember walking the hall or picking her up. Somehow those words made me feel better about missing those precious unconscious zzz's.

The craziest things enter my mind during those semi-awake moments with Wren. Like, last night when she woke up just 2 hours after the last wake up session, I felt like crying in my exhaustion. I remember walking down the hall and thinking, "Christin, just cry in your mind, it takes too much energy to cry real tears." Usually I will sit down and feed her and I have to remind myself that she will fall right out of my arms if I fall asleep in the chair.

Since my brain is operating at about two-thirds capacity under sleep deprivation, I've noticed that my internal dialogue has gotten a lot simpler from it's usual convoluted web. For instance, one word has been leaping from the fray at the most unusual times, not even giving me the courtesy of a complete sentence: season. My living room is a wading pool of cars, trucks and trains, I think to myself, "season." Wren wakes up like clockwork every two hours of the night, I yawn a weary, "season." Jude has a tearful and desperate meltdown over the emptyness of his milk cup, then over having to eat chicken, then over the taking away of the chicken, I shriek, "SEASON!"

There are also those other moments. Wren only wants to be held in the middle of the night, no other arms will do. I drag myself down the hall and hold her close with my lips to her soft head, "season." Jude still wants to "Mommy snuggle you" and I climb under the covers with him, even if I have a million things to do, and we go forehead to forehead, nose to nose, "sweet season."

Some Things to Speak of

Jude is growing so fast, everyone says the same thing about their kids, it's total mommy jargon, I know. I will tell him a new word just once and I can see his little sponge wrap itself around it and soak it in. A few weeks ago I heard him calling from upstairs over and over again. I finally realized what he was saying, "Christin! Christin!" The past few days the new phrase has been, "that is so funny!" Everything is "so funny." He has also taken up something that I say a lot (didn't know I said it a lot), "oh, man." As in, "oh man, firetruck is loud!" Or, "oh man, I eat crackers!"

Speaking of crackers. Does anyone else not understand what compulsion drives a 2 year old to those little crunchy squares? They are a fairly new staple in our house these days, I have never been a cracker-eater. Jude is a little obsessed with them, and they are a rather convenient snack, unfortunately. It's much easier to throw some in a bowl than to cut up an apple or strawberries (ok, that sounds lazy). Look, we pick our strawberries around here, I'm tired from picking, I don't feel like cutting.

Speaking of picking strawberries. There are so many great fun things to do here. I am still literally in awe of what I see whenever I leave my house. I was talking to my neighbor the other day and we both were saying how we couldn't believe we get to live here. This is how it is in VT in the summertime. Everyone gets a little giddy and full of themselves. We say things like, this is so worth the cold months. I actually had someone tell me that the high cost of living here is like a luxury tax. Every Saturday we walk downtown to the farmers market. Live music, farmstands, art booths, food vendors, jasmine rice with curried vegetables and steamed dumpling, $3. We also walk to the beach on Lake Champlain, right across the street from our house. Jude and I have taken to going in the mornings when the sun is still behind us. I sit under this great tree on the sand with Wren and Jude splashes around with his bucket and shovel.

Speaking of time with Jude. I took Jude on a date the other day, Kevin stayed home with Wren for several hours. I have been feeling a little disconnected from him lately and Kevin suggested I spend an afternoon just the two of us. We went on his first ever trip to the movie theater and saw Winnie the Pooh. My little guy is pretty sensitive, he's scared of anything even remotely thematic. So when the trailer for the Disney documentary about chimpanzees came on, he buried his head in my shoulder and squirmed and cried. I thought maybe I had made a big mistake by bringing him there, but when the movie started he seemed to really like it. Then we had some good froyo at Ben & Jerry's and did happy dances around trees on Church Street.

Speaking of happy dances. Kevin took Jude on his first kayak ride. Jude did the happy dance when he saw the boat and jumped right in. Wren and I took a nap on the beach while the boys boated. Jude was fast asleep by the time they came back into the beach. THEN, that night Kevin set up the tent in the backyard and they slept out there all night! This kid loves the great outdoors, just like daddy. Our neighbor Vicky and her 2 hids joined our camping party that evening and we roasted s'mores over a fire pit. So fun.

Speaking of s'mores. A couple of weekends ago 6 great friends from NJ came to see us! They brought a backyard cookout with them, including lots of good s'mores. Saturday, farmers market for lunch then beach and kayaking, then nighttime cookout. Sunday, home fellowship meeting at the park overlooking the lake, picnic, worship. God blessed and refreshed us by bringing these lovely familiar faces to Vermont.

Speaking of lovely faces. Wren is smiling these days! Smiling and laughing, it just floods my heart with good things. She gets so distracted when I pull out the camera, but I managed to capture these pictures of happy smiles.

And speaking of happy smiles. Jude has a new best buddy here in Vermont that illicits lots of happy smiles. Augustina is is special favorite these days, she's a few months younger than Jude and they play together so well. They ask for each other on days that they don't see each other, it's way too cute. There is a picture of a baby on the side of a diaper box that we have that Jude thinks is Augustina. The other day we were walking down the stairs and Jude says, "Augustina no fall down the stairs." Ok.

I can't believe You did this

I said this to God today while I watched her sleep. Sometimes I am just in awe.

We Have Found the Messiah

Andrew. He told his brother this when he met Jesus and they both stopped what they were doing and began following him, living with him. It's a funny thing to say, we have found the Messiah. As if they were searching for him, as if he was hiding. As if he didn't show up just when he meant to.

We have found the Messiah. Did they really expect to be the ones to see him first? Were they surprised at the find, or did they always have faith that he would show? We have found the Messiah. They had sought him, looked around, prayed for him to come perhaps, turned over stones, followed leads, investigated rumors, hoped in gossip, examined their own hearts.

We have found the Messiah. I wonder if they looked in the sky for him, or if they imagined that he would be so ordinary, found under a rock. How did they recognize him? What gave the fisherman the confidence to make such a statement? We have found the Messiah. Their joy overflowed even as they questioned him, seeking to prove him. They knew what they had found, a costly pearl, a mustard seed.

We have found the Messiah. But I don't always look for him. I wait for him to find me. I believe others are better Messiah hunters than I. Sometimes I don't believe that I can be The One to find Him. Lord, forgive me for not searching for you in all my days, all my hours.

John 1:41

At the Stroke of Midnight

That is when my contractions started the day before Wren was born. Earlier that day my mom and I had gone in for a routine blood pressure test and almost not made it out. My bp was a little elevated and they wanted to admit me that day. I was so sad and surprised, I had really hoped not to be induced this time around. I was only 3 days past my due date and was feeling very confident that she would come on her own. Everything felt completely different, she just felt ready to be born. Plus, I had been 4cm dilated for over a week. I wanted them to give me more time but settled for agreeing to come back early the next morning.


Kevin and I went out to dinner that night, my nerves were starting to get the best of me. There was some discussion about what we would like to have for our "last meal." On our way to have Jude, we stopped and had a burrito at Chipotle (I should say that Kevin had the burrito, I was lucky there was a Jamba Juice next door). Kevin suggested we go to this "restaurant" he had been wanting to try. This is what I heard, "it's an old gas station that has been turned into a surfer themed Hawaiian diner." No. We splurged and went to a Hibachi grill instead. We got our car washed. I'm not sure why that was such a priority, but I insisted it had to be done, it was on my list of things to do before the baby was born. Check.


We made some phone calls and sent some text messages, asked people to pray for the induction the next day. Fortunately for me, a few people decided to pray another way, that I would go into labor that night instead. Has God ever given you some really great thing and then you realized that it was something you should have asked Him for? I'm not always sure what it is, but there is something in the asking that we are meant to have, regardless of His response. Just the asking, anticipating an answer, tethers us closer to God's heart and also reveals His Fatherly love for us. What a familiar exchange we are meant to have with God, as if He listens when we speak and gives when we ask! I'm sorry to say I forget to ask quite frequently. By my second contraction it occured to me that God was giving me the desire of my heart, even when I hadn't the courage to ask.


Well, the contractions came on strong and increased quickly. An hour and a half after they started we were at the hospital. Kevin promptly fell asleep in the robo-chair, wake me when it gets tough. I wish I could chronicle every detail, but I won't bore you. I will just say that it was a beautiful contrast to my first birth experience. My labor steadily increased in difficulty over the next several hours. The room was dark and quiet, I had a sweet nurse that stayed in the room with us the entire time. I eventually woke Kevin and our midwife somewhere between 3 and 4 am as things got more serious. Now, I told everyone there that I wanted to try and do this without an epidural, so no one even mentioned the word or offered me anything the whole time. As the labor progressed I started thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to do this without it, and there were definitely several moments that I really believed I wasn't going to make it, whatever that means. Thinking back on that night it strikes me that there were very few words uttered the whole time. Even in the intensity of the last couple of hours, the peace remained and I felt totally supported. Only 3 people were in my room the whole time I was there, they were all very encouraging. With Jude I felt like it was an episode of ER or something, there were doctors, nurses, midwives, and even unexpected guests in and out constantly.


I was able to labor some in the tub, something I wanted to do with Jude, but couldn't. That helped a lot. When it was time to push, I got out of the tub and within a half hour and 4 pushes, she was here! For all the simplicity of that summary, I should mention that the pain was more than I thought I could bear. I have never in my life experienced anything like it, and I probably never will again. I hope not to be too graphic for you, but I also want to say that being able to feel the birth of my child, without anything to deaden the sensation, was the single most humbling, awe inspiring experience of my life. The memory of that day, I think, I can hold onto for life. It spoke to me of a very complex Creator, a very intimate and personal God.


And then there she was, in all her pink perfection. As with Jude, I just looked at her a lot and wondered who she was. Unlike with Jude, the nurse let me hold her for over an hour before they took her to weigh and measure. That day my mom and Jude came to see her. You know that didn't last too long. Once the novelty of the hospital bed wore off, Jude was ready to get out of there, and he didn't care if I came or not! Fortunately, we were able to get the midwife to sign us out to leave after just 24 hours.


This is a couple of hours after she was born... Eyes opened. Same dark gray as Jude's were when he was born. I guess that means we will have another brown eyed kid!
The classic cell phone shot (replaces the classic handshake shot when you live far away from friends and family)
So, does this seem like a strange way to be discharged from the hospital with a new baby to anyone else? Baby in the carseat on the rolling cart.
Jude was so excited to see us. I love this picture when they came to pick us up from the hospital. This is about where his cheerfulness ended, at least for a few days. I'm happy to say that Jude has leveled out considerably and we are in a nice new big brotherly way.

Mom and I went searching for a take-me-home outfit for Wren, but couldn't find a single thing. Ok, we didn't actually think of doing that until a couple of days before she was born. I didn't have anything like that for Jude either, so it just never really occurred to me. Anyway, I went into the drawer for the cutest comfy thing I could find and the winner was an adorable hand me down from Courtney's little girl, Carolina. You can't really see much of it here, but trust me, cute.

Wren Constance

She's the sweeetest thing. We all love her, I can't believe she is here and she is ours. She sleeps a lot, cries when she is hungry, is very, um, "regular", and I guess that is about it. You may think this sounds like a very normal baby, but I wouldn't know. In contrast, Jude slept only in 45 minute increments, cried whenever he was awake, and ok, being "regular" may run in the family. I was preparing myself for the sleepless nights and all of the other hard things that I remembered coming with a newborn, but Wren has been a low-decibeled sweet surprise.

Ah, but don't think it has been easy. I am TIRED, but it's not from lack of sleep; and there has been A LOT of crying, but not from a newborn. I have been telling people with a smile and a nod that Jude is going through an "adjustment" period. Most people smile and nod back in mutual understanding and then I don't have to tell them that I'm not as patient as I seem and could crack at any minute under his "adjusting" ways. Have you ever seen Dumb and Dumber? There is a scene where one guy goes, "hey, do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?" You can hear it here at the Pounds house coming from a two year old. He's having a hard time, he just doesn't know how to express his displeasure at not having my undivided attention. To be honest, it breaks my heart when I can't go to him immediately when he needs something. We've tried to keep things normal for him, but the bottom line is, I can't always do things for him right away.

Here are some pictures of Wren and Jude and the days after we came home from the hospital.

He loves kissing her and patting her hair. He says "hi baby" in this real high pitched sweet voice.

Bathtime is FUN. Jude doesn't mind sharing his bubbles with his little sister, and Wren seems to enjoy her baths.

Here we are on the front porch. Oma was with us for an entire month! She came 2 weeks before my due date and stayed about 2 weeks afterwards. I seriously don't know how we would have managed without her. Before Wren was born, Oma and Jude became best buddies and I got to rest a lot for the last couple weeks of pregnancy. She helped me cook and freeze meals, clean the house, and most importantly, kept my busy 2 year old entertained. Jude LOVES Oma and her "book," (iPad with plenty of kids interactive books downloaded to it).

We had some nice weather a few days after we brought Wren home and thought it was time to get out!You can't come to Vermont without a tour of the Ben & Jerry's factory. Gooood sampling at the end of the tour can be seen here:

I would like to tell you about our birth experience, I think I will post that in a seperate blog along with some pictures from the hospital.