This truly feels like a confessional today. I am having a hard time but I haven't wanted anyone to know the extent of it. I thought that if I just gave it a few weeks I would start feeling better and this transition would be behind me. I've always prided myself in being adaptable and able to leave something behind with few tears. We have been here a full month now and if anything I am more acutely aware of my lonliness and distance from loved ones. It seems like tears are perpetually dammed behind my eyes waiting for just the right moment to flood, which happens quite frequently. I can't seem to pull it together and just move forward with my life here yet.
There is something that I feel that God may want to teach me through this, and I even think I know what it is. My head can get around it completely, but my heart is just not keeping pace. One thing I know for sure is that we are really blessed. God has always provided for us in every way. You may immediately think financially, and that is so, but also in the closeness of our friendships and family, as well as the people that we are blessed to minister to. There are so many things I can think of that have contributed to our sense of happiness and well being. I find myself conflicted with the knowledge that I have way more than I deserve even while feeling sad and lonely.
This year it looks unlikely that we will get to spend Christmas with our family in GA. Now you see my last post and know that we just spent 2 and a half months there! Yes, well, I wanted to go back for Christmas. I have never been away from them at Christmas and there is something that feels broken inside of me knowing that this is a first. I was reminded that for 3 of our siblings, being with family at Christmas is a rarity. They live in other countries and do not get to come home most years. I know that people all over the place, including several people that we know here in VT, will not be with extended family for Christmas. Again, I understand how this should make me feel better, but I am realizing what a selfish heart I have.
There is a voice deep down that I can barely hear saying this year will be different and good. That this year we can just sit in front of our sorry little undecorated Christmas tree and listen to what Jesus would say to us. Maybe in our solitude we will be in a better position to understand the things that make Christmas worth celebrating. I hope that the silence of this Christmas will help me to hear what I most want to know--that I am not as alone as I think I am.
Here is a video that is totally NOT in keeping with this post. Jude has become really taken with dancing. We aren't sure where he gets it since one of us can't dance and the other one of us won't dance.