Monday, October 3, 2011

I am Mother, I do not Sleep

I found myself chanting something in my mind in the wee hours of the morning as I swayed with a crying Wren. "I am Mother, I do not sleep, I am Mother, I do not sleep." When I became aware of my mantra, the hilarity almost woke me up cold. Almost. I wasn't even sure that I was awake or how I came to be in her room at 2:30am in the first place. I couldn't remember walking the hall or picking her up. Somehow those words made me feel better about missing those precious unconscious zzz's.

The craziest things enter my mind during those semi-awake moments with Wren. Like, last night when she woke up just 2 hours after the last wake up session, I felt like crying in my exhaustion. I remember walking down the hall and thinking, "Christin, just cry in your mind, it takes too much energy to cry real tears." Usually I will sit down and feed her and I have to remind myself that she will fall right out of my arms if I fall asleep in the chair.

Since my brain is operating at about two-thirds capacity under sleep deprivation, I've noticed that my internal dialogue has gotten a lot simpler from it's usual convoluted web. For instance, one word has been leaping from the fray at the most unusual times, not even giving me the courtesy of a complete sentence: season. My living room is a wading pool of cars, trucks and trains, I think to myself, "season." Wren wakes up like clockwork every two hours of the night, I yawn a weary, "season." Jude has a tearful and desperate meltdown over the emptyness of his milk cup, then over having to eat chicken, then over the taking away of the chicken, I shriek, "SEASON!"

There are also those other moments. Wren only wants to be held in the middle of the night, no other arms will do. I drag myself down the hall and hold her close with my lips to her soft head, "season." Jude still wants to "Mommy snuggle you" and I climb under the covers with him, even if I have a million things to do, and we go forehead to forehead, nose to nose, "sweet season."


Rebekah said...

This post is a keeper - BEST EVA!! Keeps the pics of my beautiful niece & nephew coming:). Love you!!

Allison said...

Yes! Season it is. My oldest is 6 and the twins are 3 1/2 now. The magic of motherhood has made me forget that season...and my husband and I are trying to enter it again right now. Crazy? Maybe! But my three boys are SO MUCH FUN right now and I can't wait to add another baby into the house!! It is amazing how time will fly and then you have kids who can dress themselves, buckle themselves up, and man! If they don't say the FUNNIEST things! :-)

And your children are SO cute!!
Hang in there!!

Courtney said...

This is a great post! I know what you mean:)
The kids are getting so big and are as cute as them.
I always love when you blog, hint, hint!